Hiya
- You're always fucking late, aren't you? - Sorry
- It's good to see you - And you
Come in
- You look really good - Get in
Is Jamie through there?
Yeah, they're in the living room. They're all in there
Cathy, your oven's not working
Oh, don't worry about it. It'll be alright
All right
Here you go
Hey
- How are you doing? - Yeah. Good. Good
- I made a bet you'd be on time tonight - Sorry
- Hiya - Hiya
- I had a late shift at work - Well, you're here now
- Beer? - Cheers
And something to get you started. Alright, Russ?
Alright. Johnny, how you doing, mate?
- This is Damien - Hello, mate
Get that down, you
Warm your cockles
Come on. Where are you, son?
- Here - Thanks buddy
Here we are
There's no papadums. I'm sorry
Thank you. What have we got
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie!
- Have you got a plate or something? - Hold on
We haven't got enough plates
Has everyone got his plates?
Geez, Haley, Pass that¡­
Get lost
Cathy, have you got another plate?
Another plate? Have we not got enough?
- You need one as well. Get two
You can eat from the packet
- I'll just have a small one - I'll have any one
Actually you should have the small one 'cause you were late
All right. This is Cathy's. Vegan?
Couple of beers, you know, and sambas. All that
- Strip club - Definitely
No. You're not having a stripper
Wait, wait, wait. You're not invited
You're not having a stripper!
Got to have a stripper. It's traditional, isn't it?
- It is traditional - Tradition. It's tradition
- I don't believe it - It's just what you do
I'm not going to have a stripper. I don't see why you should
- Get a classy - Well, it's just natural. Yeah. Classy one
Russ, you wouldn't like a stripper, would you?
I don't know. I don't¡­
Yeah, yeah. He's all right with a stripper, ain't ya?
Right?
So Russ starts a little fire, nice and cozy in the middle of the field
And before you know it these fifth-Years come along
And they're just adding wood and adding wood
There's a big line of people just adding wood
The fire is fucking massive
The flames are higher than this house¡­
- I'm not joking. And then we are¡­ - It's true
And then, any minute, we are surrounded by police
The whole perimeter of the entire field
With those million power candle torches things
And an astra burns on, full beam
We all scarper. You're fucking left there, stoned out your mind
You are coming on Sunday, aren't you?
You're joking?
Actually I don't think I can handle it without you being there
I can't wait, mate
I've got Lois the sweetest little present
- Yeah? - Yeah
That's nice. Well of course you have
That's why we made you the godfather
- It's nice to see you, mate - Yeah
You've been keeping a low profile recently
Hmm
Anything to tell?
- There's a promotion at work¡­ - Ah, promotion
- Doing a load of extra shifts - Let me in. Let me in!
- All right? - All right, mate
Here, give us this
- What do you reckon? - You look lovely
"You look lovely"
Very nice
Look like¡­ Kavanagh. Kavanagh
- Q.C.? - Oh, you're always such a moppet
Give us it
- Got a lighter? - Yeah
I've gotta go. I'm knackered
Oh no. I'm having a good night. Let's keep it going
Jamie, I've got to work in the morning. And I'm a bit stoned
- But I'll see you on Sunday - Yeah, all right. Yeah
It'll be fun. Alright
- Give my love to the little one - Yeah. OK, mate
- All right. See you - Bye bye
- Morning - All right
- How you feeling? - Pretty rough
Gonna give me the coffee then?
Thank you
Oh shit
It's all right. Don't worry about it
What time do you start work?
Uh, 10:00
Got a bit of time then
Do you want to get back into bed?
You were pretty wasted last night
Sorry
- You don't have to apologize - Was I a dick?
I had to save you from the hobbit
Don't be nasty
He was all right. A bit camp
Had nice smile, though
Is that what you go for, a nice smile?
No
Just little people
What?
Have I got morning breath?
- Quite the contrary. You brushed your teeth - No
- I can smell toothpaste - So?
Now you've broken an unwritten rule
Because now you smell all minty fresh
And I smell of cock and bum
So did you like the club?
Did you like the club?
Not really. No. I hated it
- Right. You ready, then? - For what?
You can't get out of it now. You promised me
And I've come for my pound of flesh
I thought you were joking
Of course not. Do you think I would have slept with you otherwise?
- I'm not doing it - Oh yeah, you will
What kind of stuff is it you want me to say?
Anything you like
Just talk about last night
What happened, what you wanted to happen
It's up to you, really
- Why? - Just because
- It's for an art project? - Yeah
And you're just gonna lie there and record me speaking
Exactly
And people are going to listen to it
If you make the grade, yeah
Oh, come on. Um¡­
I don't know
I can hardly remember anything that happened
Just start from the beginning, when you first saw me
- I don't know. I just saw you... - Oh, come on. Stop stalling
Just talk
All right
OK. Um
I saw you, in the club, and I thought you were¡­
I thought you were¡­ out of my league or whatever
- I liked your T-Shirt a lot¡­ - What league are you in?
I don't know
Third division?
I don't think he believes that for a moment
Then you¡­ followed me into the toilets
And tried to wind me up at the urinal. Hot
- Well, you left - And then I left, yeah
Why?
There was someone else I wanted
But by the time I found him, he was with someone else, so¡­
So I was your second choice?
Why does that matter?
This is a stupid fucking conversation
- Did you hear that? - No
Queer!
- Glen¡­ - What the fuck do you think you're doing?
- Glen... - Leave him alone!
- Just close the fucking window... -Fuck off
- What did you say? - Just leave it
Fuck off
I swear to God, if you don't quit
I'm gonna come down there and fucking rape your holes
Do you hear me?
- It's cold out there - What, what was that?
That was fun
They're gonna fucking chuck bricks through my windows
You live 14 flights up
"I'm going to rape your holes"?
Fuck
Who says that?
And then...we came back here, didn't we
Obviously
And¡­
I offered you a drink, although I can't really remember
And then you kissed me in the hall way, my hallway
- And I groped you - Did you?
And you groped me
And I was happy... to feel you had a big dick
It was throbbing in your trousers
Which was surprising because you were so drunk
And then we went into the bedroom
Can you remember what you wanted to happen?
Nope
What about when I took your top off?
Nope
I wanted to lick your pits
I've got a thing about pits
- Come on, lift up - No
- Let me have a see - No!
- Come on - No!
- Why not? - 'Cause it's weird
It's not weird
- Yes it is - Let me have a look
No
You're pathetic
Stingy bitch, open up
All right. I'll show you. OK, but...
Don't touch my pits
God, what is this, a museum?
Open
OK
See. Very nice. A good amount of hair
And then...you started to jack me off
- No, I didn't - Yeah, you did
No. I didn't
I thought you were too drunk to remember
We were in the hallway and we were kissing
And like you said, you took my shirt off
I remember that because¡­
I was really sweaty
And I was worried that I was going to be all smelly
You were fine
- Good. Thank you - Then what?
Then you started kissing my ears
You kissed my neck and then you kissed my¡­
Then you kissed my hand, which was¡­
- Do you wish my cock was bigger? - No
Have you had many cut cocks?
Why do you ask that?
I couldn't work out if you were...
Pretending to be the type of boy who didn't suck many cocks
Or you...actually were that type of boy?
And this is what you were thinking about when we were having sex?
What about when I was playing with your asshole?
Why do you ask these things?
Too hard, too soft?
It was fine
- It was too hard, maybe - So why didn't you say anything?
You didn't want me to fuck you
- No, I didn't - Why?
Just because
- You're not into that - It's not that. It's just¡­
Would it have made you feel too¡­
Gay?
In fact, are you actually out?
- Yes - Are you sure about that?
I just thought that we were having a really nice time
And it was lovely. It was more than enough for me
So, sorry Glen, if I don't make your grade
How do you save it?
Hmm...
You've done it. That's fine
So then...
It was a delight to meet you
And you really do have a lovely home
Thank you
See you soon
Queer!
Ain't looking like a big boy right now, though
'Cause that bitch ain't even clean downstairs
I don't want to tell you the destruction that was going on down there
Really! It weren't clean!
Anyhow I'm thinking what can I do, what can I do about it
All right. I'm not gonna get hard, fuck it
I'll use the finger in her
Turn the lights off and I'm thinking of something nice while I finger her
Get fucking, squelching it down
I might be able to get a feel here
Got two fingers, like the scissor thing...
Three fingers, four fingers
Got the fucking whole hand in there, fucking jabbering her
Get in there, you bastard!
- Anyway, I didn't shag her - I was gonna say what was the fuck like
Someone on the phone, isn't he?
Who are you fucking talking to?
Look. Who's holding you, son?
No. No
No?
He's a fucking shy one, innee?
Don't worry. It weren't Becky
It weren't Becky. You can fucking have her, mate
- Time and we'll fucking go twos-Up¡­ - All right. All right
- Do the David Seaman on her - Shut up
Afternoon
There you go. Thought you might need it
- Cheers - That's all right
Cin-Cin
What a beauty
Thank you
I got it in a charity shop for like¡­
30 quid as a bargain
So do you enjoy your job?
Yeah. It's all right
There's nothing wrong with being a lifeguard, you know
I didn't say there was
I'm just saying
I was in the swimming team with one of my schools, so¡­
- You ever save anyone's life? - Yeah
- Really? - Yeah
What's funny about that?
I've saved loads of people's lives. Old people mainly
But I've been a lifeguard for years, so it's¡­
Someone drowned once
I was off-Duty though, so¡­
- Oh, shame - Yeah, I know
Fuck me
You all right?
You need to stop smoking, mate
So I'll get you a free day pass
It's a nice place you've brought me to
So what do you do now? I can't really remember, sorry
I work in the gallery in town
- That's right, I remember - Have you ever been?
No. That's the ugly one, right?
- Do you like art? - Yeah
It does'n matter if you don't
No. I like art
Just because I haven't been to a gallery doesn't mean I don't
Have you traveled much?
No. Not really
- You ever been to America? - No. I'd like to though
Listen. Want a backie?
No
You can't be¡­
I can't...
Come on. Put your leg over
Fuck's sake
I look like a twat
- All right. Easy - Fuck!
You on?
- OK - Put your arms round my waist
There we go. Do you feel safe?
- No - Good
- You ready? - This is a bad idea
It's a brilliant idea
Jeez
Whoo!
Scream if you wanna go faster
- I like all you stuff - Thanks
Looks like you raided a charity shop
Yeah
I have new stuff, you know?
- What are you writing? - Nothing
Like this mug, for example
This was probably owned by some lovely little old lady with a mustache
And she bought it and it was her favorite thing in the whole wide world
And then she died, gave it to her grandchildren
They hated it, sold it
Then bought an XBOX or a WII or...
Some flat -Pack wardrobe from IKEA
And now I've got it. And I like it
It's a very costly mug
- What do you mean? - To be able to buy a WII¡­
Or an XBOX
I don't even know how much those things are
Do you want milk, sugar?
- Yeah. One of both - OK
Just got to wait for the kettle to boil
- You hungry? - No
- I've got some nice pita bread - I'm fine
Well I'm starving. So I'm gonna have to eat
OK
- I've been thinking about this morning and your tape thing - Hmm
- It's for an art project, yeah? - Yeah
So is that what you wanna be? You wanna be¡­
An artist?
Kind of
So, and you really don't have to tell me
How is your tape, art project just...
Gonna be an art project and not people talking dirty?
You think talking about sex is dirty?
You know what I mean
It's just I'm not sure if¡­
People wanna hear about the random sex life of strangers
You just don't want people hearing about your sex life
That's true
Imagine if everybody was just open about what they did
And then everything was normal
- Yeah, but people are open, aren't they? - Are they?
There's this guy in work today
I just sat there, having my lunch
And he starts talking about how many fingers he can put up a girl's fanny
- But was he gay? - No
Well, there you go then
You like a lot of condiments, don't you?
I love my condiments
Gay people never talk about it in public
Unless it's just cheap innuendo
I think it's 'cause they're ashamed
Maybe it's just they're a little bit embarrassed
Isn't that the same thing?
It smells of spunk
Anyway, that tape thing isn't really about sex at all
Really?
I know what artists sound like when they talk about their work
So I'm not gonna sit here and sound like a cunt
Well, it's a good job you're not an artist yet then, isn't it
Very funny!
Come on. Tell me. I'm interested
All right
You know what it's like when you first sleep with someone you don't know
Yes
It's¡­you like become this blank canvas
And it gives you an opportunity
To project onto that canvas who you want to be
And that's what's interesting because everybody does it
So do you think that I did it?
Of course you did
Well, what happens is
While you're projecting who you want to be
This gap opens up between who you want to be and who you really are
And in that gap
It shows you what's stopping you becoming who you want to be
And all of this from talking about sex?
All of that from talking about sex
Interesting
I like it
I'm not sure that I...totally understand what you're saying
All this sounds better in my mind, I doubt if I can explain it...
No. No. No..
I'm interested. I'm really interested
So what are you gonna do?
Are you gonna¡­are you just gonna play the recordings out loud?
- I don't know -Or are you¡­
The problem is that no one's¡­no one's gonna come see it
Because it's about gay sex
So the gays will only come 'cause they want a glimpse of a cock
And they'll be disappointed
And the straights won't come because, well...
It's got nothing to do with their world
They'll go and see pictures of refugees or murder or rape
Gay sex? Fuck off
Fuck it
Doesn't matter, does it?
I'd come
- No you wouldn't - Yeah I would
Ok. Maybe I wouldn't come
Maybe I wouldn't come
Make sure you put your thumb over the hole
Do you want me to light it for you?
Tuck in
Here. Do it again
That's it
Are you out to your parents?
You don't look like the kind of boy who would be
Well
Well what?
- It's complicated - It's not complicated
You just have to do it
I came out to mine on Mother's Day
- How old were you? - 16
- Did they freak out? - No
I told them "Nature or Nurture, it's your fault"
"So get over it"
Good answer
- Well I would. But¡­ - But what?
I don't really know my parents¡­well
Actually I don't know who they are at all
That's interesting
It's fine
So what happened?
Well¡­
I moved around in foster homes until I was about 16
Hmm. Fuck
I met my best mate there, Jamie, when we were 12
It was nice. We just went around as a pair
- Fucking hell, what was it like? - What?
Being in care
It was fine
I mean, I wasn't abused or anything
You should have got a refund
So does¡­does he know about you?
- Who? - Jamie
Yeah
Yeah I'm like his brother really
Everyone knows about me in my friends
The close ones anyway
What?
Is it really wrong that I'm finding the whole...
Orphan thing pretty sexy?
Oh my God
What's wrong with you?
Sorry. I think it's sweet
Are you serious?
Are you laughing at my childhood tragedy?
I just got an image of you as Oliver with Mr. Bumble
Fucking hell
I'm a bad person
- Yeah, you are - I'm a terrible cunt
You're terrible
So do you live with Jill all the time?
Yeah. She's my flat mate
She's all right. She keeps out the way
I quite liked her
Yeah. She's a good girl
Well, thank you for the afternoon
Uh, thank you
So I'll give you a call later
OK
OK. I will
Bye
All right?
Hello again. Look there's something I didn't tell you
Have you got a boyfriend?
No, I don't have a boyfriend
I don't do boyfriends
I'm going away tomorrow
Cool. Where are you going?
Portland. It's in Oregon
Very nice
How long are you going for?
About two years, I think. Maybe more
I thought you meant like for a holiday or something
No. I'm doing a course
"Contemporary Perspectives of Modern Art in the 21 Century"
So you're doing an art course?
- Glen, that's¡­that's really great - I should have said something
No
It's fine
It's great, honestly
You didn't have to tell me, honestly. An art course
You get to be a proper cunt now
I've told you now, so I'm gonna go
Hey. What are you doing tonight?
'Cause I'm having some drinks with some friends
And it would be pretty cool if you came along
But it's up to you
'Cause I don't wanna kinda put pressure on you or anything
So I'll send you a text or something
And then you can come or not come
And it's up to you. It doesn't matter either way, OK?
All right. All right. All right
- All right? - All right?
- How are you doing? - Yeah. Not too bad
Look. Cathy's gone up town with Lois
Do you want to come around or you're up to anything?
Has she?
I might have plans later actually
Oh. All right. Well¡­
Going out. Party
OK. What, like a work thing?
No. No
I've actually, I met somebody, someone I met
- Oh right. Nice one - Yeah
When'd you meet then?
I met him last night at Propaganda. It's a gay bar
You said you were going home when you left
Sorry, mate
I was about to go home
Just I was on the bus and I was thinking...
So I just¡­
I changed my mind. So, sorry
No. That's all right. What's his name then?
Glen
Glen? Well, look, why don't you bring him tomorrow?
No. No way
- No. It'll be fine - No
What's the problem?
- OK¡­ - Well it's up to you
Listen. He's going away anyway, so¡­
Oh right. I see
I've got to go, Jamie. So I'll catch you in a bit
I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
Yeah right. You better be there
All right, mate. Bye bye bye
He definitely looks gay!
Have you seen his walk?
- And his voice too - Yes his voice...
He probably does straightening, like, conditions his hair every morning
He gets up at half-seven so his mum can do his hair
- Have you seen his Facebook status? - No
There's about 40 a day¡­
All right, mate. Do you do bitter?
I'll have two pints of bitter please
Bought you a drink
I don't like beer
- Do you not? - Afraid not
Sorry
Why this place, Glen?
Bit more fun, isn't it?
Than your...normal gay bar
Surprised you came
- Really? - Little bit
Well I'm here now
Good. Cheers
Hi. Hi
We've got a new member of the group.
Let's not make a fuss about it
This is Russell, everybody
This is cock one, coke two, cock three, Dolly Parton
Cock four, Lorna. You know Jill already
And this is Paul, all right
I went on the bed with a hard-on
And I heard all this clanging and things
Coming out of bags and zips and poppers and things
And he was there for ages¡­Yay!
Well done
There we go
One, two, three, four, five, oh!
Anyway, so I was lying on the bed waiting for him
And after about 10 minutes of this
It was like I was starting to lose my hard-On
Because it was getting boring
And then he walked in
And he was fully done up in leather
Like boots things and chaps and everything
And he was much older than his picture said
And he walked in and I was like, "Oh. Fuck"
And he just put his boot on my bed and he went
"Lick my fucking boots"
And I went like
"I don't think so"
"I think I'll pass, actually"
And he was like, "lick my fucking boots!"
Sorry about this. All right, how are you?
I'd leave him to it if I were you
What's he doing?
Well, he's just started phase one of the attack
The whole straight narrative is there for you to inherit
It's just there
There to shape your foundations, to set you up
Boy meets girl. They fall in love
They go skipping through the meadows
And that's how your life is set. Everything is there
All the books, All the films. All the TV shows
Everything is just inherited, given to you
Think he does like you, though
I mean, he wouldn't let me listen to the tape
And he always lets me listen to the tapes
So, you must have made some kind of impression
I'm quite glad he didn't let you have a listen to the tape
To be honest with you
Yeah, he didn't let me listen to it
But there's still time
Dirty, is it!
No. No
- Proper sordid? - No
Oh, boring? Them ones are best
I took umbrage with the loud noise
- You didn't take it - You¡­you made a loud noise
You didn't make umbrage with the loud noise
You made umbrage with
The fact that you've got a load of gay people in a straight bar
- That's what you've got your problem with - No
- Admit it. Just admit it - No
As soon as you admit it¡­
The thing is, Glen likes to be a big fish, not a little tiddler
I mean to be honest, I think he's gonna bottle it
- Can you keep a secret? - Yeah
Some of us have got a little bet
That's not very supportive
Supportive? No. No. I just understand him. That's all
He does this, I mean like once
He sighed up to teach in Africa
I think it was Africa
It was just when he split up with John
Has he told you about John?
No. He hasn't told me about John
To be honest with you, I don't really think¡­
That was way back when he did boyfriends
The sexuality
The sexuality of the loud noise was not an issue with me
- The sexuality of the loud noise? - It was the fact that the noise was loud
It was the fact that the noise was loud
Oh right. So it's just merely a matter of decibels
He used to cheat on him a lot. John did
And Glen was like "It doesn't matter"
But it would matter to me
And then at the end of the relationship
He was in the park, cruising, and he got beaten up
- What, Glen did? - No, no. Not Glen. John!
Volume is the issue. Volume, that's it
Just ruining your night
We're just here ruining your night, is that the problem?
Look who's holding hands
What?
Nothing
You look like you want to kiss me
I do
Go on then
No. Not here. I can't
Thank you
Shall we get the fuck out of here?
What do you mean?
Do you want to get the fuck out of here?
Don't you think your mates are gonna be a little bit pissed off?
Why?
I mean, we just marched out of there
You practically pushed me out the door
I didn't even say goodbye to anybody
You didn't say goodbye to anybody
Yeah, I don't do goodbyes
I actually had quite good fun in there. It was all right
I like your friends
It was quite nice being around gay people
- Oh. Don't do it - Don't do what?
- I know what you are gonna say - What?
You're gonna say
Oh, it's nice being around people of my own kind, my own people
'Cause they think the same as me
We talk about all the same things
We've got the same things in common
But it's not like that
You know
- This is David Lane - Essentially they're all just idiots as well
- This tram is for Phoenix Park - Except they dance a lot more
The next stop is Highbury Vale
So what do you think of Jill?
Yeah, she was nice
You're such a fucking liar
It's nothing
I wouldn't want anybody¡­
Talking badly about my mates
What is it?
- Honestly, it's nothing¡­ - Fucking spit it out!
I don't know, Glen. I just¡­
She's not very supportive
You know, or understanding about...
And this is only from what I've spoken to her about, but I didn't¡­
She just wasn't very supportive and that's what you want, isn't it
You want your mates to be understanding...
To support your ideas, I don't know
What the fuck did she say?
She didn't say anything. She didn't say anything
It was just, it was just...an impression I got
Anyway it's none of my business...
To start talking about that kind of stuff, is it?
I can't wait to get the fuck out of here, to be honest
- No, you don't mean that - I do. Maybe I don't
Just my friends¡­
Sometimes they're like...
A noose around my neck, do you know what I mean?
No
I've got to be honest with you, I don't really know what you mean
It's like when you've had the same friends for too long
They become like¡­
Everything becomes cemented
What, and that's a bad thing, is it?
Of course it's a bad thing
I don't want to be in fucking concrete, thank you very much
It's like they won't let you¡­
They won't let you be any version of yourself except an old version
Or the version that they want you to be
I hope that's not true
You know it's true
No one wants to know they're in the shit
If they see you trying to crawl out
They're very happy to drag you back in
Oh. And that's what you're trying to do, is it?
You're trying to drag yourself out of the shit
I'm trying to¡­
Redraw myself
- Of course, you being the artist that you are - Exactly
Everyone keeps fucking hiding my pencil
Hi. Can we get two cars, please?
- Have you got three quid? - Yep
I'm gonna kill you
Oh, you sure about that?
There you go
Thank you
Ladies and gentlemen. The fast cars!
Fuck you!
Remember, this was pre-Internet
So, you know, it was like, there wasn't any...
"Straight-Boy-Goes-Gay-For-Pay" websites
Or "Stick-A-Monster-Cock-Up-Your-Ass-And-Ear".Com
But my mum had this VHS of "A Room With A View"
- Have you seen it? - Yeah. I think I have
Is that the one with all the...
- Posies in all the houses and stuff? - Yeah
Well, they've got that. But also they've got this scene where...
All the boys go running naked around the lake
Oh, I see
And I'd frozen the video just on the moment
When you could see Rupert Graves' cock
You know what it's like when you pause a video, it's shuddering
And I was tanking away and there it was
I spaffed up a huge spider web of juvenile semen
- Just as my mate walked in - Oh my God
And he looked at me and he looked at the TV screen
And he saw Rupert Graves' shuddering cock and he knew
What did he say?
He called me a faggot, called me a queer
But the weird thing was
In that moment I could see myself through his eyes, you know
I could see what I looked like
- And you know what? - You didn't care
I didn't care. Exactly
I thought, if he wants to see me as some horny little faggoish angry child
Then that's fine by me
It doesn't make any difference
- Are you still friends with him? - Nah
I wasn't friends with anyone else after he told the rest of the school
That's awful, Glen
It is what it is
Shall we have another cheeky one?
Come on
Glen, Glen¡­
I've just broken some ice!
You haven't met my neighbors. They're nuts
I'm "breaking the ice" with your neighbors
Frankie upstairs will be going nuts, dying
There's something I didn't tell you today
Do you have a boyfriend?
Yeah, that's exactly it. I've got a boyfriend
No
- You know your tape thing? - Yeah?
I've got¡­something kind of similar
Really? What do you mean?
Obviously mine's private and not public like yours
- Why am I telling you this¡­ - Why do you do it?
I don't know. Just do
"He was good-Looking and normal, which was nice"
"He was not too camp"
"And on the third day he told me"
"When he came out to his parents, they refused to ever talk about it"
"And he said he didn't care but it was obvious he did"
"Then to stop us talking about it he sang me a song"
Fucking hell
What a dickhead
"I was mortified"
"I wanted Jamie to be there listening to it"
"Because I'm sure he would have found it funny"
"And I knew I could never see him again"
"But I stayed that night anyway"
"Because I didn't want him to feel bad"
Samaritan
Did you tell Jamie about it?
- Shut up - And you send it to the back of my throat. Come on
It's quite sexy
Beautiful
Good start. Do you wanna have a go?
Let's make it happen, come on
Isn't that amazing?
"I followed him around the sauna for a while"
"And I was so nervous"
"I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get an erection"
"We went into the cabin, but he wouldn't kiss me"
"All he wanted to do was suck me off"
"And get me to come in his mouth, which I did"
"But he wouldn't let me touch him or anything"
"And hen he left"
"I saw him later as I was getting changed and he ignored me"
"And it was then that I noticed he had a wedding ring on"
"I felt bad and weird"
"Bad for me, but also for his wife"
"I wondered if when he got home"
"And he kissed her, she could smell me on him"
"And I wondered if the kids were waiting for him in their bedrooms"
"Wanting to say goodnight to their dad"
"But he was late 'cause he was sucking me off in a sauna"
So¡­
What?
"I met this guy who was nice"
"I've called him Paul Smith"
"But that wasn't his name because I can't remember his name"
"But it was the aftershave he was wearing"
"He had a really nice flat near the cemetery"
"And I think he worked in design"
"He told me his parents were fine about him being gay"
"Which must have been good"
"And he had photos of them on his wall"
"He asked if he could fuck me"
"I told him I'd never done it before"
"And that he needed to be careful"
"I can remember us being paranoid"
"About the condom coming off"
"And me getting AIDs and everybody would think I was scum"
"He wouldn't give me his number"
"Because he said he had a boyfriend"
"On the bus I felt so ashamed and shitty"
"When I got back I puked up and spent the rest of the day in bed"
"Thinking about all kinds of stuff"
Freaked you out?
No. It's just enough now
I've freaked you out. Do you think I'm a freak?
You're a freak, but that's all right
What did this guy look like?
Why?
Just because
I don't know. Blonde hair?
Did he look kind of Swedish?
I suppose
He'd have fucking loved this
Who?
His name was John, thought, not Paul
Who's¡­John did you say?
You're a terrible liar for a faggot
I knew Jill couldn't keep her mouth shut
I didn't ask her anything like this
Fuck it. It doesn't matter
Look, straight people like us
As long as we conform, behave by their little rules
Imagine your friends
If you suddenly started getting all really political about being a fag
Or you got suddenly like camp and swishy
- Or talked about rimming all the time - But that's not what I am, is it?
That's not who I am
Trust me, they like it as long as we don't shove it down their throats
Why should I just shove it down their throats?
Because they shove it down our throats all the time
Being straight. Straight story lines on television, everywhere
In books, on billboards, magazines. Everywhere
But, oh, the gays, the gays
We mustn't upset the straights
Shh. Watch out. The straights are coming
Let's not upset them
Let's hide in our little ghettos
Let's not hold hands. Let's not kiss in the street. No
We have the chance to make up our own shit
We can grow our own garden
And put little flowers and pansies
Gay gnomes in it and water features and water sports and swings
But no
Everybody wants to concrete the fucker over and get a gas barbecue
You're obsessed with concrete.
You're absolutely obsessed with the stuff
But why would you want concrete when you can have whatever you want?
I'm not saying people shouldn't forge relationships
All I'm saying is that we don't need someone...
To sanction it, to make it legitimate
To make us respectable
Yeah. Heaven forbid
And don't tell me that people get married because of love
People get married for the same reason that they buy a house or a dog
To tie them down so that they go
"Oh, no. We couldn't possibly go away this weekend"
"Who'd look after Buster? Couldn't possibly leave Buster alone"
Maybe sometimes people just like dogs
And it's not even proper marriage anyway
In America they went out on the streets and fought for equal rights
And over here people are too busy on fucking Grindr
Or shaving their asses to be able to do anything
Where's their fight?
Well, it's a fight, isn't it, for something that you don't believe in?
That's not the point
It is. It is, kind of
A man standing up with another man, in front of everyone, saying
"I love you and I want to get married"
I think that's pretty fucking radical statement
I mean, standing up and saying
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you"
When everybody's looking at them, saying
That it's wrong. It's disgusting. It's sick
I mean, people say that we should go to hell for this
Fucking...go to fucking hell
I mean, why do people fucking say that?
Do you know what I mean?
So actually, standing up and saying
"You know what, I love you, and fuck you and fuck you"
"I don't give a fuck what you fucking think. I don't care"
That is pretty fucking amazing
But why do people have to feed into the system?
Oh my God. Now you sound like a fucking teenager, Glen
I mean, earlier, you asked me
If I thought that people got married because they love each other
Yeah
Right. OK. Well, maybe they do. Maybe they do
And yeah. Maybe¡­
Fucking maybe it is stupid and maybe¡­
Maybe they will get divorced and all that kind of shit
But fucking who cares?
Why does it bother you so much, Glen?
Why does it bother you that...
Maybe two people fucking love each other
And they want to get married and they want a relationship
And they just want to be happy?
Want another line?
Why do you think it's going to be so different in America?
Because it will be...
Have you ever been properly alone?
- Of course I have - I mean properly alone
Sat in a hotel room in Portland all by yourself
- No friends. Alone - Yes
I don't believe you. I don't believe you
In a week you're going...
You're going to go completely mental
Of course you are, because you're going to have no friends
And you're going to compromise because that is what people do
They compromise, because nobody, fucking, fucking nobody
Nobody can deal with being by themselves
I don't want to compromise
There you go again
You're condescending to me
It's like you're always fucking attacking me
- I'm not attacking you! - You fucking are
I mean, it's like you want everybody to think independently
But you want everyone to fucking agree with you
Why can't you just understand that some people just want to be happy?
Are you happy?
I'm fine
But yeah, things could be fucking better
Easier
But I am absolutely fine
- Sure you are - Don't you fucking dare!
- Calm down. Don't you fucking dare presume that you understand me
You think just because I can't¡­
You think just because I can't
walk around the fucking streets holding hands
Or talking to my mates about fucking sucking cocks
That you know me
No, I don't
I can see it in your eyes, Glen, I can see it
That you think¡­ you think I'm a fucking idiot
- Because I want a fucking relationship - Did I say that?
But the thing is, Glen
The thing is, Glen, I think that you want one too
I think
You would make an amazing boyfriend
That's not what I¡­that's not what I'm saying
It's not about me
- Fuck me - I don't want one
I don't believe you. I don't believe you
John has fucked you up.
He's fucked you up...
Let's stop this now before we go somewhere we don't want it to go
Because he's fucking cheated on you
You don't know nothing about me and John
You don't know nothing
About how I feel about whether he cheated on me or not
And for the record I don't give a shit that he cheated on me
I give a shit that he was a fucking liar and a faggot
And he couldn't stand up for himself
Couldn't stand up¡­Glen
- He was beaten up in a fucking park because he was gay - Look...
Maybe if it's easier if I tell you that I'm brokenhearted
But I'm not
I don't want
I can't have a boyfriend right now
And that's all there is to say about it
I really don't want us to fall out about this
Really, I don't
I need to go to the toilet
Fuck
I thought I heard a firework
It's probably just some kids
Yeah. Probably
I'm really sorry, I was¡­
I was a dick. Sorry
It's all right
- Probably too much coke - Yeah
Blame it on the drugs, I always say
Talking of drugs¡­
This is my secret reserve of master kush
Would you like some?
Thank you
- Swap? - No, thank you
OK
OK. Stop
I'm OK
You know, when I'm, when I'm at home, I'm absolutely fine
Fine?
Yeah
Completely
I don't¡­
I don't care and I don't even think about it
I just¡­ I'm not embarrassed. I'm not
I'm not ashamed and I don't
I don't want to be straight
Not now anyway
I'm happy. I'm happy being gay
But?
It's when I go outside, like, you know¡­
Just to Jamie's or...
To Tesco's or to work
I kind of¡­ it's hard to explain
It kind of feels like I've got indigestion
It actually feels exactly like indigestion
It just makes angry
You know, that I feel like that because¡­
Because it's so fucking pathetic
You know, I'm a grown man and I look at you
I see you and you can do it and you're amazing
I just don't understand why I can't
You know your log thing?
Yeah
You're right about people coming out...
And what their parents say and stuff
Yeah?
I just wondered why
It interests me
It's like¡­ everyone's got their story
It's like... a gay rite of passage
But you don't
I supposed so
That's what I thought
Do you ever think about finding your parents?
No. Not really
Why not?
I don't really see the point
You know, I don't think it would
Change anything
Why don't I... pretend to be your dad
And you can come out to me?
That is so weird
Just ignore the fact that we just had sex
- I don't think I can ignore the fact that we just had sex - Try
OK
Dad
I've got something that I ned to tell you
What's that?
I'm gay
Hmm
I like guys, not girls
Well
You know what, son?
It doesn't matter to me
I love you just the same
- And guess what? - What?
I couldn't be more proud of you...
Than if you were the first man on the moon
Good morning
Made you coffee
Thanks
So what you doing today?
I've got to over to Jamie's house
There's a party. It's my goddaughter's birthday, so¡­
You're a godfather?
Yeah, yeah
Not religious, are you?
No. They just asked me
That's very nice
What time's your train today?
- Why? - No reason
Are you going to come and sing to me or something?
Beg me to stay?
No. I don't. I don't think so
It's about 4:30. Don't know
- Glen¡­ - Shh
- Hiya - Hoya
- Oh you made it - All right
- Are you all right? - Yeah. Yeah
Come in, then
You stink of booze
- Do I? - Yeah
I'm sorry
Have a session last night or something?
- Didn't Jamie say anything to you? - No. No
Who wants to play twister?
Right. Look who's here, everyone!
Look who's here
Hey
Hi
Where's the girl, then?
Lois, look
Hey, gaps. All right, missy?
"Happy birthday to you". Go and take it
What do you say?
If the commando stands at 10:20, which means player...
Oh it's too complicated. Let's do it again
Has to count either to, either one to ten¡­
All right. That's it
Now go on
What do you call a girl that sits in the middle of the tennis court?
I did not know
Annette
I've got one. I've got one
What goes "ohh"?
A cow with no lips
Come on
What's going on?
Nothing
Nothing's going on
Well, there obviously is
Are you going to tell me about it or what?
I feel¡­it feels weird talking to you about it
I don't know. Sorry
Weird? We're best mates.
We talk about all kinds of stuff. Come on
But we don't talk about this kind of stuff, do we?
That's not what we do
I've never spoken to you about this kind of stuff
Yeah. I know
I don't know, Jamie. I don't know. It's¡­
It's stupid, really
I mean, this guy I met, Glen, you know
I met him two days ago
He doesn't know me. I don't know him
I met him like two days ago
Two days is nothing
I don't know. I just feel a bit of a twat. That's all
I think it's because I'm hung-over and tired and he's gone away¡­
Oh. You'll be able to see him when he gets back, won't you?
Nope. No, I won't. He's not coming back
He's moving to America, so¡­
That's it
Well, what time's he leaving?
Doesn't matter
No, come on. What time's he leaving?
I can run you in the car
What about cake?
Don't worry about the fucking cake
- Cathy will go nuts - So?
Lois is going to want me around, isn't she?
I want to be here for Lois. It's my goddaughter's birthday
It'll be half an hour
Come on. I'll run you in the car
Fucking knew you'd come
- Did you? - Such a goddamn romantic
Looks like it, isn't it
So, is this our Notting Hill moment?
You know I've never seen it. Ever
Neither have I, but I imagine there's a¡­
Declaration of love and everybody applauds
Yeah
Do you reckon that's what would happen with us?
Might do. Could give it a go
They'd either clap or throw us under a train
You need to know I'm not, I'm not here to stop your flight
- Please be quiet, please¡­ - No, no, no. Shh
I just wanna, I just wanna, just want you to know that¡­
Fuck
You're a bastard for coming down here. Fuck me
Don't know what the fuck I'm doing
You'll be great
You'll have the most amazing time
Fuck
Fucking gay boys¡­
I've got something for you
Ignore them
I couldn't remember your surname
Right, I gotta go
I don't know
I can't remember anything
Just start from the beginning, when you first saw me
Bittersweet strawberry Marshmallow butterscotch
Polar bear cashew dixieland phosphate chocolate
My tutti frutti special raspberry Leave it to me
Three grace scotch lassie cherry smash lemon freeze
I wanna go to mars
Where green rivers flow
And your sweet 16 is waiting for you after the show
I wanna go to mars
We'll meet the gold dust twins tonight
You'll get your heart's desire
I will meet you under the lights
Golden champagne juicy grapefruit lucky Monday
High school football hot fudge buffalo tulip sundae
Almond caramel frappe pineapple root beer
Black and white big apple Henry Ford sweetheart maple tea
I wanna go to mars
Where green rivers flow
And your sweet 16 is waiting for you after the show
I wanna go to mars
You'll meet the gold dust twins tonight
You'll get your heart's desire
I will meet you under the lights